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Where I want to be

Observations

I'm currently staying at my brothers out in Long Island. It's calm and serene here unlike Brooklyn. It's a good place to come and relax, to reflect. I'm using my time here to detox from cigarettes. It's about time I quit those damn things. I'm free of any other foreign substance these days and this is the only one that remains.
I find it very funny, but at the same time not, that friends keep telling me they quit using drugs/taking pills while it's obvious that they did not. They wouldn't be so boisterous and loud, so oblivious to the people around them, looking at them with fear and disgust. It is embarrassing to be around them and I find it very odd that I never noticed it before. I guess I too was loud and obnoxious and never once looked at myself and my actions and asked, what the hell are you doing? I guess now that I am clean, I am a lot more reserved and conscious of my surroundings, of other peoples right to speak, of their opinions and their space. No longer a jerk unaware of his disposition. 

Click

Beauty

It all started with a smile from a girl. She was receptive to me when I was talking to her and suddenly a guy comes out of the blue and tells me to beat it. Since I was in my neighborhood and outside of my local pool hall I told them to "get the fuck outta here" before somethin bad happens to them... They took off and I went up to play pool. The whole time while playing pool I was sorry I didnt knock that dude out. It was like an itch I couldnt scratch. Lo and behold 20 minutes after he left this same dude came up to the pool hall and asked to me come outside. Now Im from Brooklyn and I knew very well that he had a mob of friends outside waiting for me to come out. I told him sure be right there, turned around and returned with a right hook to this guys face. He was out. He stumbled back downstairs and I went back to my pool game knowing what was coming next. Within 1 minute the pool hall was filled with this dudes little gangster friends. Literally 25-30 of them. I blended in with the rest of the pool players while the leader of the group very menacingly asked "whos the tough guy" I quckly took stock and thought about what to do. A fight will no doubt end with me getting the crap beat out of me. I thought the best coarse of action would be to demoralize them by taking out their leader. So when he was right next to me again asking whos the tough guy while the whole pool hall was silent I bent back and smashed the pool stick across this little punks face. He fell and was out for the count. Then all hell broke loose. Pool sticks were swinging, both my friends and the rest were in a major brawl. I might have took out 2 more kids after realizing they started to pull out knives. I told a friend of mine its time to go and bolted towards the door. I ran outside and towards a bagel shop for safety. I quickly realized that there were 2 guys chasing me and so I ran for my life. I finally made it to the door of the place when I felt a slight slap on my back. I hopped over the counter of this bagel place and grabbed a huge bagel cutting knife and proceeded towards the door ( I was later able to see all this in the police station on the video surveillance cam) I Proceed towards the door when someone stopped me and said I was bleeding. It turns out one of the guys chasing me was able to (with an extended arm) slice me in the back. So I have a scar about 2 inches long going down the middle of my back. My friend who was'nt familiar with my neighborhood took off from the pool hall soon after I did but ran the wrong way. They caught up with him stabbed and broke around 10 pool sticks over his head and back. I owe that kid my life.

Today was a good day

Today I noticed something significant. For the first time in a long time, I woke up happy. This feeling is alien to me. Normally I'd wake with a terrible feeling of hopelessness and depression. I think this is because I didn't see anything good happening anytime soon. I keep a positive attitude these days and I guess its karmic habit force that has finally kicked this in and made it emerge through the years of guk that was covering it. Lots of things are happening that I don't want to mention as I don't want to jinx myself. All the things that are happening, in my opinion, is a direct result of the positive attitude I keep, the daily meditation and also the tools and techniques I picked up in the passed couple of months.

Current

I have to admit, I don't feel like I'm soon moving to Israel. I know that I am but it doesn't feel like it. I know that anything can happen and so with my luck I'm thinking some crazy shit will happen between now and the time when I'm supposed to go (around a month). Anyway, this city is shit. I hate Brooklyn. I was in the Bronx today and I hate it there too. Was at a Yankee game with Zo. I'm definitely not a negative person so this must just be true hate for the crap city I live in. 

Nuru Kane - 'Goree' From the album 'Sigil'

Wolf in the cold

Mind = Blown

Current Read - Iron John, a book about men. By Robert Bly

A great (poetic) book about the lack of true manliness in men since the industrial revolution. Given to me by my counselor at the Betty Ford Center.