In a bad way

I am so utterly disgusted with myself and wonder, really, whether I deserve to die. People say to others they hate "you don't deserve to live" but they got it wrong. Living here, with this physical and emotional pain, on this plain, is hell, it's true, "I've read up on it". That's why I say "if I deserve to die", cause staying here longer is what really hurts. Especially for a sensitive soul who masks himself as a tough skinned, sharp tongued, balls out typa cocky dude. The actions I've taken the past few days have been soooo low and below what or where I thought sat my level of character. I think I seek forgiveness from someone else (which I guess I do) but I wonder if ever I will forgive and make peace with myself for it. Sadly, I truly doubt that I will and see 0 reason for the 2nd party to. I've become so cynical and cold on the exterior and am definitely not a pleasure to be around. I think I'm average looking on the outside but lately feel so very ugly inside. If I was to run into me on the street and speak to myself a few words, I'd probably end up beating the crap outta my own self. The docs recently told me that I may have highs and lows in the beginning with this anti-depressant crap and perhaps this one of those because I write this here post while tears stream down my face or, is it because I know I've leaped beyond a boundary at some point along the way that there is no coming back from. This move is irreversible, in my opinion. I don't care anymore to pretend that I like anyone. I've become resentful towards my own family because only for the sake of their happiness do I stay alive. I fear, one day, this resentment will surpass my caring and other then the writings here there simply will be no evidence of my being uhtall. Need a better reason to live than to just. Think I need a kid or two. Anyway, I happen to believe that you have to be stupid to be happy. Gonna take a break from this here page for a bit, from facefuck too. Shit's occupying too much of my time.