Saturday, December 11, 2010

I lost myself... at around 3.


Just cant stand the way people act when someone dies... Its as if this person became a saint and whatever negative things they might have done are out the window. Suicide is especially interesting. Peoples reactions and such. I find it weird that so many people with talent had not loving people enough to keep going. I wont lie, if it weren't for my little nephews and my family in general Ida bit the bullet a long time ago. Not because I'm depressed (or talented) but because to me its like switching the channel. Been lingering on this one like a fool entranced by what is essentially an infomercial for way too long... Hate the glossy actors, the ragged sets and the ever more repetitive scenes. I awake everyday to see the subway rats, the mold and the daily race that leads to lost dreams from our youth and lies to ourselves. Life is like a kid dreaming about Santa just before being raped by him. Reality comes in layers. Being young is our only original state. A beautiful white canvas. When we get old we get wet, wet by the paint on the walls. Some of us look like distant rainbows with a hue of grey. There is no "wet paint sign" so wherever we lean rubs off on us and some can tell where we'd been. It leaves a mark on our blackboards or our subconscious and that black board is shoved into our faces every time we wake and take stock of our lives. Pleasant things disappear quick like putting a wet cloth to our black boards. There is still a faint sign of it but happiness leaves no scars so how do we remember? What effects our daily lives are those lost beliefs we've had to sell for what we think is logical clarity. Anything, from an unpleasant look shared with you by a stranger on the street to a heated family squabble. All is, for some, reason for suicide. To restart, to reset, to repaint our canvas with colors more pleasing. Most peoples can be compared to Edvard Munch' "the scream". Dull, not bright and pleasant. So how do you paint a Mona Lisa? Leo must've been a cold mofo to do that. Anyway, until that day (which I hope I never see) where there are no longer people to hurt, the layers will continue.