Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The days of late

As my eyes open slowly I can see bright lights above. I hear a loud crowd around me. I quickly take stock and realize I'm lying flat on my back. Just woke from getting proverbially knocked the fuck out by the girl who basically held my hand like a mother would her childs since my arrival here in Israel. I didn't guard my left or rather, I let myself fall too deep in love with someone while we both were going thru turbulent times. There is this old quote that spoke to me when I saw it on my facebook feed today: "Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young." by A.Pinero. I take comfort in knowing this and regardless of the pain that comes at the end, I will continue to fall deeply. I am not so sure that while we were dating my then mate would've been happy knowing I can turn my cheek in one day and forget about her. A bit of a shellshock it was for me when I saw a similar scenario go down. Not long ago a friend saw me in this down state and went on about how he envies me. "Envy me?" He continued, "I never felt love in my life" at 38 I'd say that that's a sad reality. I explained to him what true love is: True love is knowing that the girl you want will heal your broken heart but instead of pursuing her, you go and set her up with someone who you know will give her a better life then you possibly can. Coming back and checking in on her from afar, to see to it that she is doing well. This is love, it is the only type that I want and those that think about themselves and their own comfort or wellbeing when in a relationship are fooling themselves. They may 'like', even very much 'like', but they definately don't truly love. I should note, blame can never rest on a person who doesn't feel this level of love for you. You simply may not have been their "cup of tea". Blame can and should come into the equation only if said person knows they don't love you and says they do anyway. But, most think what they're feeling is love sooo, where does that leave us? Of the 30-50,000 visitors this page gets monthly, one of these may feel that this post is directed at or talking to them. It isn't, it's talking to each and every one of you. Now, I want to make clear that I am not as cold, calculating and smart as I may make it seem on this page. I share with you here things I've picked up from people, books, historical figures and the like but I have not yet reached the level of greatness and selflessness that I strive for. I nit pick things from this big combination of people and things we call the world. Things like anonymous giving for example is still a bit perplexing to me but I am learning and understanding. The word selflessness has no hebrew substitute. It's true, ask Morfix. I'm told by people, family and friends for example, that this is because there aren't selfless people here. Many an Israeli are bombarded by propaganda since childhood about how "the world hates the jews" and my only logic is that they feel they must work work work and care not for anything/one but themselves in-order to "survive". Truth is a certain level of comfort must be attained I think to start thinking out of the box and b4 being able to start thinking about the well being of others. When you are too busy thinking about whether you'll have money for rent next month or for food you simply do not think or care about others. Not really the Israelis fault as they were simply poured into a funnel and made uniform at some point. I've been living here close to 8 months and can truly say, I have yet to meet someone who I feel deserves my respect. This is sad because I am on an everlasting quest for a mentor. Any well rounded man needs one.
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